A lot has happened between 23 and 24. Some good, some bad, but all have continued to grow me as a person.
I've made mistakes this year. Some of them have been epic. I hurt someone- understatement of the century- a friend that I truly and deeply cared for, and for that I will always be sorry. I am a Compartmentalizer- that means I can put people in categories without tying them to other people who may belong in other categories of my life. It's a good thing, most of the time, but in other situations it can be hurtful to others. But the mistake I made just had to happen. It was inevitable. It was "one of those things" that you have to do, because you know that if you don't, you'll never be able to live with yourself. You'll never know about that "What if, maybe..." And in making that Epic Mistake, I learned and I grew. I learned that if any two people really love each other (I'm talking all forms of love here), they will never outgrow that love. The only thing that weakens or dilutes that bond is time and distance, or both. I also learned that, regardless of love, if someone has proven themselves over and over to be a certain type of person, they will never magically have a revelation and outgrow that personality. That's just who they are. So you can either accept that, if you can live with yourself, or you can move on. REALLY move on. Find peace in knowing that you did everything you could, and find peace in knowing that you were, and always have been, right in the decision to walk away from someone who doesn't bring out the good- the best- in you. And I am a good person. In my heart, I know it. Regardless of some stupid decisions, I know that I have a good heart.
It's like Kepner's dessert tray metaphor. When that dessert tray comes around after dinner, and you want so badly to say no and refuse it, because you've had it before and you know how you feel afterward. You're way too stuffed, you're miserable, you might have chocolate zits on your face the next morning, and it completely cancelled out the diet you've been on, the great, amazing diet that you've built a great relationship with so far. It's terrible temptation for your willpower. But the waiter just keeps shoving that dessert tray in your direction, and you start to remember how great the dessert was. How good it tasted, how amazing it was when it was going down. And eventually, you cave. You eat the dessert. And immediately after you do, you feel sick at your stomach and you hate yourself. All you can think about is the salad you ordered for dinner, and how betrayed it must feel, because, after all, you were supposed to be on a diet. And it's awful and terrible, and you have to drive home from the restaurant feeling like a fat loser with zits who hates herself for eating that stupid chocolate cake.
For a while, I hated myself for the wrong I did. I shut out everyone in the entire world and closed myself into a room for weeks, beating myself up for failing. But eventually, you have to make a decision. Do you continue to stay in the dark, or do you dust yourself off and accept the love of people who see through your flaws and mistakes and love you anyway? It goes back to putting yourself around people who bring out the good in you and avoiding the people who bring you down and make you feel anything less than a woman who's only human, with flesh and bones who makes mistakes just like any other person. Even if that mistake was Epic and Huge.
To the person I hurt, I am truly and sincerely sorry. I hope one day you will find it in your heart to at least attempt to see things from another point of view, and accept that I will never find the words to explain how much I wish I could go back and change time. All I can do, though, is hope I did right by offering this person a chance to know the truth, and pray that one day this person will know that I have meant it from the bottom of my heart each and every time I have apologized.
