Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all of those times I didn't want to take a nap when I was younger.
4. There is a great need for a Sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions out on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after blu-Ray? I don't want to have to re-start my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my 10-page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never, ever wash this. Ever.
15. I hate when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? @%$# it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good, and then not see anyone of any kind of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I bet you on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize that I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags on each arm than make two trips to my car to bring groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text message.
24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word that person said?
25. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty. You can wear them forever.
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Is it just me, or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?
28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you know you're going to die from leaning back too far in your chair.
29. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers. But no matter what method of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.
30. Sometimes I will look at my watch three consecutive times and still have no idea what time it is.
31. Even in ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in their purse, finding their cell phone, or Pinning a Tail on a Donkey... but I'll bet everyone can find a snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!